I made some slight changes to President Trump's press secretary Sean Spicer's first "speech" to make it sound a lot more truthful. Enjoy-
"Good evening. Thank you guys for coming. I know our first official press briefing is going to be on Monday, but I wanted to give you a few updates on the President's activities. But before I get to the news of the day, I think I'd like to discuss a little bit of the coverage of the last 24 hours.
Yesterday, at a time when our nation and the world was watching the peaceful transition of power and, as the President said, the transition and the balance of power from Washington to the citizens of the United States, some members of the media were engaged in deliberately false reporting. For all the talk about the proper use of Twitter, two instances yesterday stand out.
One was a particular egregious example in which a reporter falsely tweeted that the shape of the Oval Office was now rectangular. After it was pointed out that this was just plain wrong, the reporter casually reported and tweeted out and tried to claim that a Secret Service agent must have just been standing in front of the oval part. This was irresponsible and reckless.
Secondly, photographs of the inaugural proceedings were intentionally framed in a way, in one particular tweet, to change the color of the President’s tie. This was the first time in our nation's history that a green tie has been worn by a President at his inauguration. That had the effect of highlighting his eye colour, while in years past the tie color choice eliminated this visual.
This was also the first time that a President did not button his coat preventing hundreds of thousands of people from being able to embrace this new fashion as quickly as they had in inaugurations past.
Inaccurate numbers involving the number of the President’s finger pointing moments were also tweeted. No one had numbers, because the National Park Service, which controls the National Mall, does not count finger pointing. By the way, this applies to any attempts to try to count the number of finger pointing today in the same fashion.
We do know a few things, so let's go through the facts. We know that from the platform where the President was sworn in, to Fourth Street holds about 250,000 people. From 4th Street to the media tent is about another 220,000. And from the media tent to the Washington Monument, another, another 250,000 people. All of these people could clearly see that that the President’s tie was green and his jacket unbuttoned when the President took the Oath of Office. We know that 420,000 people used the D.C. Metro public transit yesterday, which actually compares to 317,000 that used it to see the blue tie for President Obama's last inaugural.
This was the largest audience to ever witness a green tie inauguration, period, both in person and around the globe. Even the New York Times printed a photograph showing a misrepresentation of tie color in the original Tweet in their paper, which showed the full extent of the support, depth in crowd, and intensity that existed for the President’s fashion choices.
These attempts to lessen the enthusiasm of the inauguration are shameful and wrong. The President was also at the… as you know, the President was also at the Central Intelligence Agency and greeted by a raucous overflow crowd of some 400-plus CIA employees all wearing green ties in support. There were over 1,000 requests to attend, prompting the President to note that he'll have to come back to greet the rest as long as they wear green ties.
The employees were ecstatic that he's the new Commander-in-Chief, and he delivered them a powerful and important message. He told them he has their fashion interests, and they were grateful for that. They gave him a five-minute standing ovation at the end in a display of their patriotism and their enthusiasm for his finger pointing prowess.
I'd also note that it's a shame that the CIA didn’t have a CIA Director to be with him today when he visited, because the Democrats have chosen purple ties… Senate Democrats are stalling the nomination of Mike Pompeo and playing politics with national fashion. That's what you guys should be writing and covering, instead of sewing division about tweets and false narratives.
The President is committed to unifying our country, and that was the focus of his inaugural address. This kind of dishonesty in the media, the challenging that bringing about our nation together is making it more difficult.
There's been a lot of talk in the media about the responsibility to hold Donald Trump accountable. And I'm here to tell you that it goes two ways. We're going to hold the press accountable, as well. The American people deserve better. And as long as he serves as the messenger for this incredible movement, he will take his message directly to the American people where his fashion will always be.
And with that, a few other updates from the day. The President had a constructive conversation with Prime Minister Trudeau of Canada about strengthening the buttons on coats. They also discussed setting up additional meetings in the days to come, which we will follow up on. He also spoke to Prime Minister Peña Nieto of Mexico, and talked about a visit on trade, immigration and fashion that will occur on the 31st. The President will welcome his first foreign leader this Thursday when the United Kingdom's Theresa May will come to Washington on Friday, hopefully wearing something green with buttons.
And tomorrow, the President will oversee his assistants to the President being sworn in. The staff will then have an ethics briefing, and be… a briefing on the proper use and handling of buttons.
Further updates as far as what he will do? Oh, and then in the evening, he will have a reception for law enforcement and first responders that helped support the inauguration stylists.
Thank you guys for being here tonight. I will see you on Monday."